The Problem with Problems

Problems put skills to the test. They often sharpen your thinking and, by necessity, draw out your best behaviors. Problems can help you approach work and relationships in a way that may never have occurred to you if that problem hadn’t arisen.

Problems allow people to shine and show what they’re made of. They create friction and sometimes go unsolved and this can help you see weaknesses and areas of need.

In a word, problems are opportunities. 

So, when it comes to addressing disruptive behaviors, what is the problem with problems? 

First, the word “problem” is overused and often misused. See, just because something is troubling, gets in your way, or is difficult, that doesn’t mean it’s a problem. In today’s use of the word, a problem is actually a very particular situation. It is something that has a solution. 

And that brings me to the second problem with problems. When it comes to people and their difficult behaviors… well, we don’t “solve” them. We work with them, get frustrated by them, get hurt by them, and hopefully, impact them. But we don’t solve behaviors or people.  

In fact, difficult behaviors are often dilemmas. For example, there are several ways to calm someone angry, but they all have a potential cost. That’s the nature of a dilemma. By “solving” one problem in a dilemma, you create another, and so there’s never really a solution, there’s just managing problems.  

And that brings me to a third problem with problems: the words we use will influence both the way we think and the actions we take.

So, take a second and imagine the impact of referring to people as “problems” or even “dilemmas.” Are those words likely to create positive behaviors? If someone calls you a “problem” or a “dilemma,” I doubt you’ll see them as an ally.

And, if you’re trying to successfully address disruptive behaviors, the language you use to label those behaviors will impact what you think and do. If you think of someone as a problem, you're likely to treat them like a problem.

When it comes to people, you want to avoid risky labels—words likely to work against your success. 

When I face someone using disruptive behaviors, I know they’re justified – in their mind. And in that moment, my goal is to help them de-escalate, if possible. It is not my goal to correct their perception. That can happen later.

Labeling someone as a problem or dilemma, or any other pejorative word you can think of doesn’t help me succeed with de-escalation. Their disruptive behaviors present a challenge to me. They have escalated. My goal is to help them de-escalate. 

And just so it’s said, being called “challenging” may not be my first choice (and I’ve been called that plenty of times), but it’s not insulting. Thinking of someone as challenging doesn’t drive me to think poorly of them. Even better, what do people do when they face a challenge? They try to meet that challenge! And when it comes to addressing disruptive behaviors, if you’ve been doing it for a while, you come to learn the biggest challenge you’re going to face may not be de-escalating others. The biggest challenge may be controlling your own behaviors. 

Words matter. If you’re developing skills to address disruptive behaviors (or helping others do the same), be sure you know what to do and say. Our courses help you learn the skills needed to meet the challenges you face. 

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